Conventional Relationship "Wisdom" That Might Be Holding You Back
Relationships can be very challenging. But are we meeting these challenges as effectively as we could be?
Here are a few shifts in perspective that can fundamentally alter how you navigate your most challenging connections.
Before I go further, nothing in this article should be understood as advocating that you stay in an abusive or harmful relationship or one in which you are treated poorly.
It Only Takes One Person to Change a Relationship
We usually approach relational conflict like a contract negotiation: I express my position; you express yours; and we hopefully come to a solution that works reasonably well for both of us.
In practice, such negotiations often fail–repeatedly. Some of us have been trying to change our relationship with a parent, sibling, or child for decades without success. Some of us are frustrated that our relationship with our partner does not change to better meet our “needs.”
Here is the key truth: It only takes one person to change a relationship—and that person is you.
When we do the internal work to release our reactions to what they typically say, do, or fail to do, we change our experience of them and of the relationship. (See Releasing Emotions for an explanation of how to release emotions/reactions.)
This is very different from giving up, which means staying unhappy with the relationship but acknowledging the futility of trying to change it.
When we release our reactions, we let go of unprocessed emotions that get triggered. This frees us up and improves our experience of the relationship. We become truly okay with what is, rather than resigned to it.
Stop Gauging a Relationship by Your Reactivity
This is closely related to what we just discussed.
It’s easy to judge the quality of a relationship by how much it upsets us. Over time, our upsets accumulate and we begin to doubt the relationship.
Consider a different perspective: Your reactions are not a measure of the relationship—they are a measure of what you still have inside that’s getting hit.
As my spiritual teacher says: If you want to work on your stuff, don’t go to a psychologist—get married.
Intimate partner and family relationships will inevitably push our buttons. They trigger our stored unprocessed emotions When your “stuff” gets hit, you have two choices:
View it as a reflection of the inadequacy of your partner or the relationship.
Do the internal work, to get rid of the buttons that are being pushed. (Again, I recommend the process described in Releasing Emotions.)
See also Being in the Relationship You Seek.
The Trap of Predetermined “Red Lines”
We’re constantly told to set firm boundaries: “If they lie to me, I’m out.” “If they have an affair, it’s over.”
We frame these pre-set dealbreakers as self-respect, but they often restrict our freedom. Why lock your future self into a decision made in hypothetical isolation?
If someone hurts you or breaches your trust, you can release the initial surge of hurt and, from a more grounded place, assess the situation. Why end a loving relationship because of a single act that triggered painful emotions? Wouldn’t it be better to consider the larger picture. Of course it is okay to leave, but why have it preset.
Having every boundary “wired in advance” often comes from a quiet fear: If I don’t set this boundary in advance, I’ll just get walked over in the future. But when you trust your ability to handle reality in real-time, you don’t need rigid ultimatums to protect yourself.
The Myth of Reciprocity
Finally, we fall into the trap of expecting total symmetry. We assume healthy relationships mean meeting halfway on everything.
In reality, symmetry is a myth:
One person is always neater than the other.
One person is always thriftier.
One person is always more affectionate.
One person always initiates intimacy more often.
The danger is that we tend to pick the areas where we think we’re doing the “better job” and quietly demand that our partner be more like us.
When we stop expecting our partners to mirror our strengths, we stop perpetuating our frustration and free ourselves to actually appreciate them as they are.
The Bottom Line
Transforming a relationship for the better is never the result of getting the other person to change nor is it the result of establishing rigid boundaries. Of course, it is appropriate to communicate preferences–without expectation. We can support our own evolution and enhance our experience of the relationship by working with our own unfinished business and by committing to and trusting ourselves to be present in the relationship.
This is a great read thank you for sharing I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my dad and letting go of my feelings and emotions has made it so much easier to be with him - a most difficult man. I’ve been married 30 years and I don’t believe you can hardwire a relationship that covers the possibility that your partner might have an affair might leave you etc it takes two to make a relationship work sometimes the scales are unbalanced other times they are balanced. There have been times in my marriage when I’ve been the strong one supporting my husband and other times he has been it just works because we don’t compare each other he doesn’t say I’ve cooked the last 3 nights it’s your turn I don’t say I’m always doing the washing we figure it out as we go along and not ‘it’s your turn’ we recognise each others needs and so help without it being a said thing. Too many relationships especially the younger generations I see around me start with demands - you do this for me, I do that for you a transactional relationship and long term I don’t believe those relationships will stand the test of time. I will print this essay and surreptitiously leave on my pin board next to the fridge the young people in our lives would do well to read this as a reminder that when the going gets tough you sit down, talk and figure it out not runaway or set boundaries for an event or issue that may never happen.